I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
