someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
