so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
