Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
