Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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