Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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