So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
