My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
