I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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