I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
