youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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