The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
