I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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