I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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