My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
