with your own penis?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
