upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
