I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
