I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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