I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
