i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
