just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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