everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
