im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
