I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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