you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Girls should come with a carfax report
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
