My sheets look like a crime scene.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
