I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
