Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
