fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
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