Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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