i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
