woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
