we have pet lesbian snakes
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize