You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
