totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
