My first STD was from a foam party
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
