can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Your tits are I can't wait for
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
