she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
