After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
