I love watching others lives come down to our level.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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