she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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