1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
