Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
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