The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
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