I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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