I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
