So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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