im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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