Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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