So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
