So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
