what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
