wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize