I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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