I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
