I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
