New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize