And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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