i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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